Thursday, October 18, 2007

Welcome to Weirdsville: The Revenge

You really can’t blame them. How many hundreds of years have we lured them with tasty morsels, only to have that first taste not be food but rather points of sharpened steel driving through their lips, their mouths. How many thousands of years have me thrown vast nets down into their domain, hauling them up to die, flopping and choking in the dry, toxic air? How many millennia have we spent butchering them in so many horrible ways -- but what is worse sometimes only for such frivolous reasons as lipstick, explosives, pet food, fertilizer, or even simply for sport?

Is it no wonder that some of their more brutal kin routinely take pieces out of us, digesting our illusory superiority as easily as they chew up simple cod? Their hungry warriors are frightening enough - vast, insatiable mouths ringed with shredding teeth - but these are grotesque caricatures of vengeance. Their real revenge is small and darting, a terror that strikes very close - too close - to what we consider precious.

Namely, our genitalia.

For now they have limited their field trials to a remote and rather inhospitable location, namely a certain large, winding stretch of water in South America, but rest assured that if their experiments are successful they will, no doubt, take their plan of horrific revenge to every corner of this water-soaked world. I firmly believe that after reading the following account of this devastating weapon being developed, you too will understand the danger we face, the terror possibly lurking within every body of water.

It is called vandellia cirrhosa, or more commonly by the residents of that distant location, the candirĂº. This rather small member of their species is nevertheless perfectly equipped for its horrendous mission. At only two to three inches in length, its size is ideal. Needle-sharp spines lay along its spine. Normally, this deceptive member of this passive-appearing species lives parasitically, by attaching itself to the gills of its larger brethren and draining off enough blood to sustain itself. It appears to be at first to be a simple, innocent member of that sinuous body of water. Appearances, as always, can be deceptive.

Its teeth are sharp, yes, and as stated those spines are very, very sharp, but it’s such a small little creature. How, you ask, can such a simple, humble organism be capable of feeling our great, proud world? How can this ridiculous ... FISH be so terrifying?

It is in the presence of homo sapiens that this tiny devil reveals its true purpose, its terrible function. You see, this strong, slimy little creature of the Amazon, without a doubt, is the most horrendous weapon ever devised by the coming aquatic rebellion.

We are a species governed more by sex than intellect, so how better but to strike at our most precious organ?

While reports at this time are sketchy, the aptitude and inclination of this tiny member of the Amazonian ecosystem cannot be denied. Lured by urine, this fish has the ability and the powerful inclination to seek out the source, to push its slimy, needle-sharp body up into the human body through the male or female urethra. Pause. Think. I repeat: “Lured by urine, this fish has the ability ... to push its slimy, needle-sharp ... up ... the male or female urethra.”

If you feel the need, you may now wince, moan, scream, or cup your hands around your favorite organs.

Once in place, this little piscine monster cannot easily be removed. The spines along its back face backwards, making any attempt to grab the rarely-exposed tail excruciating and irreparably damaging. If the beast should happen to squirm its way deep enough, the only recourse is immediate surgery to remove it. Without going into too much needless detail, suffice it to say that knives and (if available) large quantities of anesthetic are necessary. However, I propose that the shock and fear generated by the invasion of this aquatic horror would do much more damage that the long incisions needed to remove its ferocious body.

Please, I beg of you, heed this warning. Watch the oceans, and particularly watch the fish that appear to so innocently swim in it - and never, ever, pee in the pool.

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